The 4-step guide to becoming a single romantic.

This guide is intended for any gentlemen reading my blog who have been single for a decent amount of time and want advice on how to keep it that way and do so in a way that benefits them best. If you want people to see you as ‘moody,’ ‘individual’ and ‘serious’ then follow these simple steps. The result of successfully following these steps will be that everyone who knows you will become fascinated in you, and start to obsess over your personality, attempting to understand what cruel injustices you’ve suffered that have resulted in your current state of euphoric cool.

1: Make Use of the Practicalities of Single Life

Chances are, your skills at making sandwiches will increase hundredfold as time goes by once you’ve broken up with your most recent girlfriend. Do not fret, this can only be a good thing. All you need to do is learn how to buy sandwich ingredients that aren’t too costly, and to cut out non-essentials. Powdered salt, for example, is completely unnecessary  as the tears that gush out of your eyes 24/7 will provide your cooking with just salty flavor that your chicken and egg toastie is lacking.

2: Navigate Parties with Class

Once you are single, parties are no longer simple events at which attendants drink in moderation, dance, casually talk with others and generally enjoy themselves. No, they morph into proverbial catwalks at which every single male must display how unimpressed they are by their surroundings, and how these ‘parties’ seem pointless and trivial when peered at through your darkly tinted spectacles. Instead of enjoying yourself, make use of the opportunity to stand at the side of the room, looking moody and edgy, and possibly spend a couple of hours having a significant meaningful authentic conversation with someone you have never met before, and have no intention of ever meeting again. I can not stress this enough: do not appear to be having fun. The easiest way to achieve this is to simply not have fun.

3: Treat Your School/College/Uni With Absolute Disdain

The rules for this are pretty similar to the etiquette for parties; the trick is to constantly seem as if there is some kind of dark, meaningful thought taunting you at the back of your psyche, meaning that the idea of actually concentrating on the task at hand is a ridiculous ask. Use phrases such as “I was just thinking… Oh never mind, you wouldn’t understand” and “I’m sorry sir, I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff lately… stuff I don’t want to go into” as much as possible, and break out the occasional unnecessarily long word to describe something that surely doesn’t need describing.

4. Use The Medium Of The Internet To Be An Absolute Prat

You can never tweet too much. Tweet at any given opportunity, but make sure that whatever you write, it is so depressing that anyone who reads it is immediately inspired to saw their limbs off with a rusty saw. Bombard your poor followers with endless indirect assaults on “you.” Go on and on about how “you are such a bitch” and “you really messed me over, didn’t you?” It doesn’t matter whether this metaphysical “you” is based on someone real or if they are a figment of your own imagination, just hurl abuse at this ambiguous person nonetheless. In addition to this, tweet plenty of serious, authentic lyrics by artists who have clearly been through the same emotional trauma as you are right now. Make sure that by the time each month is up you have written Ed Sheeran’s entire album out at least once through lyrical tweets.